The Hijikata Toshizou Facts Game
by The Talentless Hack
Summary: [one shot] There’s a new game making the rounds, and it centers on the “Demon Vice Commander,” Hijikata Toshizou. Oh this should be good…. As close to crack as I’ve gotten…SO FAR.


**A/N:** This idea came to me some time back, and I tried to ignore it. The sheer lunacy of it, however, made that impossible. It's based on the Chuck Norris Facts website (which is where I got all the "facts" I use below, by the way; I recommend checking it out, even if you aren't a fan of his—some of the stuff on there is great). It is also a sort of demented tribute to the guy with the Roundhouse Kick of Doom™. And on the off-chance he's reading this: you're the man Chuck (please don't hurt me…).

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Disclaimer: It is popularly believed that _Peacemaker Kurogane_, in its various forms, belongs to Kurono Nanae. This is entirely false, because Chuck Norris owns it. Chuck Norris owns EVERYTHING.

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_The Hijikata Toshizou Facts Game; or, A Question of Morale_

_**x-x-x**_

Details were scanty, but most of the Shinsengumi agreed that the origins of their newest form of amusement lay with Ichimura Tetsunosuke.

Okita Souji had begun calling it "The Hijikata Toshizou Facts Game," which was something of a misnomer, as the "facts" in question were not technically facts, at least as far as the members of the Shinsengumi were aware.

Okay—so it was total crap and they all knew it. But it was still fun, and that was really all that mattered.

"Hijikata Toshizou don't read books," Harada Sanosuke said authoritatively. "He stares 'em down 'til he gets the information he wants."

Nagakura Shinpachi, arms raised up and crossed behind his head, raised an eyebrow. "Think of a beautiful woman—Hijikata Toshizou did her."

There were murmurs—and a few grumblings—of agreement from the men gathered.

"Who's next?" Okita asked.

"You can go next," Shinpachi said, and Okita pursed his lips and cocked his head, expression thoughtful.

"Okay, I got one," he said finally, grinning. "Hijikata Toshizou counted to infinity…twice."

"That's a good one," Tetsu said admiringly.

"Your turn," Okita said, and the young man's face scrunched up in thought before brightening.

"Got it! Okay: Hijikata Toshizou cannot love, he can only not kill."

More murmurs of agreement from the men, and Sano roughly ruffled Tetsu's hair in approval.

They were staked out in a more or less deserted corner of the courtyard, all huddled together in a circle, and all men present were expected to participate at least once before things got out of hand, as they invariably did, and men began to randomly offer up "facts" about one Hijikata Toshizou, popularly referred to as the "Demon Fukuchou".

Hijikata was a natural choice for this particular game; Commander Kondou and Vice-CommanderYamanami weren't scary enough. Okita might have made a good choice, but Hijikata was far less accessible than the captain of the first unit.

Plus, Tetsu liked Okita too much to make up crap about him.

"How about you Hajime?" Okita asked the thus far silent man. "You haven't gone yet."

Saitou Hajime looked around at the men watching him.

"Hm. All right, I have one," he said finally. "There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Hijikata Toshizou finds it delicious."

There was a long pause.

"I think I crapped myself," Sano said finally, and the men standing next to him immediately stepped away. He glared around at them. "I was kidding!"

"I have one," Yamazaki Susumu piped up.

"Run with it," Sano urged.

"Hijikata Toshizou doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares."

"Ain't that the truth."

"I hear that."

"Gods, _yes_."

"I got another," Sano said. "The truth will set you free. Unless Hijikata Toshizou has you, in which case, forget it buddy!"

More murmurs of agreement.

"Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Hijikata Toshizou to kill you…forty-seven times." Shinpachi offered.

"Hijikata Toshizou doesn't age," Tetsu said. "Every birthday, it's just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you."

"And _you_," Sano added with a grin that had Tetsu making a very rude gesture in his direction.

"Hijikata Toshizou doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead." Saitou murmured, with a hint of a smile playing around his mouth.

"Yamanami Keisuke pities the fool. Hijikata Toshizou rips the fool's head off," Okita said.

"If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Hijikata Toshizou hears it. Hijikata Toshizou can hear everything. Hijikata Toshizou can hear the shrieking terror in your soul." Tetsu said.

"Oh man, I think I really did crap myself this time," Sano said.

By this time however, the game was in full swing, and his comment went unnoticed.

"In an average room there are 1,242 objects Hijikata Toshizou could use to kill you, including the room itself!"

"Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Hijikata Toshizou!"

"Hijikata Toshizou doesn't actually write haiku, the words assemble themselves out of fear!"

"Hijikata Toshizou has a deep and abiding respect for human life…unless it gets in his way."

"Hijikata Toshizou was once asked to repeat himself—the last thing that person ever heard was the whooshing sound of a katana blade!"

"Hijikata Toshizou can taste lies!"

"Hijikata Toshizou only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill!"

"When Hijikata Toshizou talks, everybody listens…and dies!"

"When Hijikata Toshizou goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul."

Okita noticed movement out of the corner of his eye, and looked over to find none other than the demon himself standing behind the men, smoking his pipe and observing the group with a calm—horribly calm—expression on his face.

"Hijikata Toshizou knows everything there is to know—except for the definition of mercy!" Tetsu shouted, a triumphant look on his face.

"Hijikata Toshizou IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU," Okita informed him with a wide smile.

"Huh?" Tetsu asked.

"I said, Hijikata Toshizou is right behind you," Okita repeated.

"What kind of fact is that?" Tetsu asked, puzzled.

"The truest kind of fact," came Hijikata's voice, and Tetsu froze, an expression of horror on his face.

"I _know_ I crapped myself this time," Sano muttered.

Tetsu slowly turned around and looked up to find Hijikata watching him, one eyebrow raised, smoke drifting up from the bowl of his pipe.

"I know everything but the definition of mercy, ne?" he asked.

Tetsu was pretty sure his soul was shrieking in terror, and he was equally sure that Hijikata could, in fact, hear it.

"Souji, what exactly is going on here?" Hijikata asked, gazing falling on Okita, who stood up with a cheerful smile.

"We're playing a game," Okita informed him.

There was a distinctly displeased quality to Hijikata's expression now.

"'Game'?" he repeated in a growl.

"Uh-huh—the Hijikata Toshizou Facts game."

That announcement gave Hijikata pause.

"The what game?" he asked, obviously thrown off.

"The Hijikata Toshizou Facts game," Okita repeated. "Tetsu started it."

"Did he now?" Hijikata asked, shooting Tetsu a look that promised, in no uncertain terms, immediate death should this little game in any way offend the vice-commander.

_Oh shit, I'm gonna die_, Tetsu thought frantically.

"And just what does this game entail?"

"Oh, it's just facts about you," Okita said nonchalantly.

"Such as?"

There was a long pause, and then Saitou calmly offered,

"Hijikata Toshizou doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage."

Hijikata stared at him in astonishment.

"Oh I got another!" Okita said suddenly. "There's an order to the universe: space, time, Hijikata Toshizou…just kidding, Hijikata Toshizou is first."

"That was good," Sano said.

"I think it was the best one yet," Shinpachi said.

"Naw, I think Tetsu's one about the shrieking soul was the best one," Okita replied.

"The…shrieking soul?" Hijikata asked.

"That was very good," Saitou agreed. He looked over at Tetsu, still frozen in terror. "How did it go again, Tetsu?"

"Uh…." One look from Hijikata had Tetsu gulping.

_Oh well_, he thought resignedly. _I had to go some day. I wonder if I'll have_ _enough time to say good-bye to Tatsu-nii before Hijikata-san rips my head off._

"If…if a tree…falls in the forest…does anybody hear? Yes. Hijikata Toshizou…hears it. Hijikata Toshizou can hear everything. …Hijikata Toshizou can hear the shrieking terror in your…soul."

"Right, right—shrieking _terror in your_ soul," Okita said, nodding. "That's what it was."

"That was the best one yet," Sano said with a jerk of his head. Then he grinned. "I got one! Okay, okay: lightning never strikes twice in one place because Hijikata Toshizou is looking for it."

"Very nice," Shinpachi said, patting Sano on the back.

"What the hell is the purpose of this?" Hijikata demanded. He didn't know whether to be furious or not, though he had shock down pat.

"Morale," Okita decided finally.

"_Morale_?" Hijikata repeated incredulously. "Making up shit about me helps _morale_?"

"Yeah," Okita replied, as if it were the obvious response.

Hijikata stared at him incredulously.

"And just how does that work?" Hijikata demanded.

Okita looked thoughtful for several moments, obviously really thinking this one out.

"Well, no one's gonna think we're a joke if they hear any this, now are they?" he pointed out finally. "If fukuchou is so fearsome, we're obviously a very serious organization."

"That's right," Shinpachi agreed immediately.

"Absolutely," Tetsu blurted out frantically, willing to do or say just about anything to escape swift and painful death.

Hijikata didn't have a reply; he stared at all of them for several moments, then turned around and slowly walked away without another word. There was a long stretch of quiet, and then Tetsu weakly said,

"I think _I_ crapped myself."

"Yeah well, it'd be weird if you hadn't," Sano said with something like understanding.

Another pause, and then Shinpachi scratched his chin idly.

"When Hijikata Toshizou was born, the only person who cried was the doctor—nobody slaps Hijikata Toshizou."

"That was good," Sano said.

"Better than good," Okita said, and even the taciturn Susumu and perpetually sleepy-eyed Saitou were smiling faintly in appreciation.

"Some people say that Hijikata Toshizou is a myth. Those "some people" are now dead." Tetsu immediately shot back, looking smug.

Shinpachi threw back his head and laughed.

"I guess you weren't as scared as you thought you were, puppy!" he teased.

"I'm not a puppy!" Tetsu snarled, making the men chuckle.

"Speakin' of puppies," Sano said, grinning, "Hijikata Toshizou's like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants…."

A few paces away, Hijikata stood silently, still puffing on his pipe, listening as the game began to gain momentum once more…

"They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false: Hijikata Toshizou killed the cat—every single one of 'em!"

"Hijikata Toshizou was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost!"

"Hijikata Toshizou never wet his bed as a kid—the bed wet itself out of fear!"

"Hijikata Toshizou can lead a horse to water AND make it drink!"

…well, there were worse ways for them to pass the time, he supposed, a faint smirk blooming on his face as he turned and began walking back towards his quarters.

And if it was in the name of _morale_, he supposed he could live with it.

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…This is why your mommies say candy rots your brain, kiddies—mine's so far gone it seemed like a good idea to post this. Ah well, Happy Halloween. 


End file.
